A year ago my life fell apart. My 13 year relationship ended. I lost my best friend, my partner, my muse, the one thing in this world I actually adored. It hurt so bad. My every waking thought was consumed with memories, thoughts of betrayal, and sadness. I cried. I yelled at nothing. I had panic attacks. I hyperventilated. I was a fucking mess. I thought about going to a shrink, but I didn’t. The strong part of me pushed through the emptiness I felt in my heart and soul and said “Deal with it”. That was a year ago. I still have those thoughts.
I tried to cope in any way I could. Moments of fun with true friends masked my misery, if only for a while. I drank. That got old quick, thankfully. I tried to remember how to be normal. My creativity dwindled. I was just going through the motions. My motivation got left on the side of the road somewhere along the way. I was lost and just trying to figure out what I was going to do.
Henry Rollins once penned the lyric “Life will not break your heart. It’ll crush it.” I get it now.
I was waiting for an ah-ha! moment to snap me out of the worst funk of my life, but it didn’t happen like that. It happened slowly. As my head began to clear, month by month, I remembered all the things I was doing a year and a half ago to better myself and my career(s). Some good friends helped me through this time. True friends, not snakes who come around just to take advantage of you. I’m lucky to have them. They helped me rebuild myself.
The sadness and resulting bitterness I experienced will always be a part of me, because it changed me in so many ways. I will learn from it. I will use it to fuel my fire. I’ve realized if I don’t constantly outdo myself, I’ll have only myself to blame. Motivational speakers, atheletes, and professionals alike all agree on one thing; If you’re going to be good, really really good at anything, you have to do it a LOT. All the time. It has to become an obsession.
Tattoos. Photography. Props. (Maybe even music again!) These are my obsessions. These are the things I adore. I’ve got the time, the focus, & the determination! My skill, my way, uncompromised…